“Oh tonight? It just really doesn’t suit. Sorry Anna, I’ve had an important dinner in the diary for weeks. But soon! I promise! Mwah Mwah.”
Phew. Bullet successfully dodged. Again. I don’t know how many more times I’m gonna be able to head off a home visit from Anna. She’s been dying to call over for tea and chats, to have a natter about Vogue, her celebrity friends and the future of Condé Nast. You know yourself.
Since 2008, having visitors at home has been a bit of an ordeal. I put people off as much as I can, pretending to be away on holidays or that there’s a roach or rat infestation. But there have been times when I’ve just had to give in and actually honor my offer of “You should come over sometime.”; despite the invite being delivered in a very casual I’m-saying-it but-I-don’t-for-a-second-mean-it, New York kind of way.
Things got a bit awkward trying to explain to visitors why they were required to sign an NDA and wear a BDSM Bondage Mask Full Head Harness Fetish with Blindfold and Zipper (#gotitonamazon), but I couldn’t risk them seeing anything.
People felt it was over the top. They were positively affronted by the idea that I would somehow, deem their presence a threat to the fantabulous contents of my apartment.
This wasn’t the case, but letting them think that I have MAJOR trust issues and extreme paranoia was easier than letting them know the truth. They had no idea about the secret that I was hiding behind closed doors. The shocking truth that lay outside the 2mm thickness of their bondage mask. The repercussions of which, would be far greater than allowing the world to think I simply had acute emotional issues to tackle.
You see, since the UGG boot went out of fashion in the late 2000s, I’ve been unable to let it go. I’ve been staying at home. Night after night. Year after year. Passing up offers of exclusive fashion parties, nights out at The Box and trips on yachts (okay, the East River Ferry), in order to sit on my sofa and watch Absolutely Fabulous reruns for the 10,000th time, so I could wear...(I cannot believe these words are coming out of my mouth)...UGG BOOTS. For the comfort. Oh the shame. The social stigma. What would Edina say?! What would Anna think??!!
I’d spend night after night, sitting in my beat up classic tan ankle length UGGS, emitting intense telepathic messaging out to the universe. Wishing upon full moons and shooting stars. Surrounding myself with power crystals in the hope of manifesting the shoe of my dreams - an updated UGG style that combines comfort and cool factor. One that can be worn both indoors and out and comes in a range of bright and beautiful colorways. A shoe that would finally free me from my self-imposed indoors-only UGG prison and release visitors from the trauma of donning a mandatory bondage mask.
For years and years I’d hoped. Chanted. Prayed. Why I never emailed UGG, I’ll never know.
Finally, after what seems like an eternity, my prayers have been answered.
How did it take me a year after the fact to discover them? I might live in Bushwick, but I’ve got the internet.
Fluff Yeah. Puff Yeah. The Lushette Puffer.
Snazzy, jazzy, multifunctional footwear to meet the hectic demands of the New York City dweller. Facilitating self-transportation from sofa to subway in…(GASP!)...slipper comfort!.
Ashamed no more.
Making trips to the bodega in broad daylight wearing Puff Yeah Pop Graffiti slides.
Casually lying on every sofa I see in my lavender Fluff Yeahs.
“Come on over for Tea & UGGS!”
Calling friends from my high heel phone, wearing pink Lushette Puffers to make visiting arrangements.
Who’d ever have thought?!
“Anna! Call an UBER!
The kettle’s on!”
GLOSSARY OF TERMS (in order of appearance)
Anna - As in Anna Wintour. Editor-In-Chief of American Vogue and Artistic Director for Condé Nast. Fashion industry icon and very dear friend. No seriously.
NDA - Non Disclosure Agreement. A legally binding confidentiality agreement between two parties that exists to protect ‘trade secrets’ or any secrets really, between the person who has a secret and the person to whom the secret is disclosed. In this case, my secret was wearing beat up UGGS at home. I wasn’t taking any chances.
BDSM - Bondage Discipline Sadism and Masochism. Completely unrelated to the theme of this story, however, industry suppliers make a mean mask that’s a bajillion times better than a blindfold; if you’re deadly serious about covering people’s eyes so they don’t see anything.
The Box - A cabaret nightclub situated in New York’s Lower East Side. Spendy AF. No cameras allowed. ‘Nuff said!
Absolutely Fabulous - Possibly the best TV show ever made. If you don’t already know about it, consider yourself CANCELLED.
Edina - As in Edina Monsoon. Lead Protagonist of Absolutely Fabulous (Ab Fab). Personal hero. Eternal Style Icon.
Anna - Same Anna. See above.
Bodega - American English for ‘newsagent’ or ‘corner store’.
Fluff Yeah - Flufftacular slipper-meets-cloud footwear by UGG.
Puff Yeah - Pufftacular shiny slipper style footwear by UGG.
Lushette Puffer - Madame-of-the-boudoir-gives-her-heels-a-rest-for-the-day slipper footwear by UGG.
Creative Direction: Gemma Sherlock
Photography: Lanna Apisukh
Styling: Gemma Sherlock
Words: Gemma Sherlock